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Still doesn’t feel right. Goodnight.
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4/3/10 - 4/17/12 rest in peace.
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Damn, i haven’t used this shit in DUMB LONG. I just wanted to put a couple words on this thang.
Please dont read this if you’re angry.
Well i told you, to look at this tonight at 9:20. You probably forgot, i just wanted to tell you how i feel about all this shit thats been going on lately. It feels like we havent been clicking on anything lately and to me, that really sucks. i know its over for you, but i never wanna let go. i hate letting go of things that ive put so much effort in, i hate it, thats just how my brain works. We’ve both worked on this relationship so long that it just sucks to see everything go down the drain, it sucks that you dont care anymore, it sucks that im this evil person in your eyes now. I hate that, everything in the beginning was just SO perfect it was like heaven. Ive never wanted ANY girl the way i wanted you. The first time you said you liked me is when you got super drunk and was texting me on nanas phone saying “I Love You” and i replied saying “i Love you too” so i guess im glad you drank that night. You would play these silly games with me when we were first talking, which made me want you even more. I guess you were playing hard to get. But i loved it, i knew from that day that I told you to not fuck those those phony niggas in Mr. A’s class, i KNEW from that day on i wanted you to be my girlfriend, and id do anything to make you mine, we would always text eachother, for hours and hours, NOT getting tired of it at all. Everything seemed like it was supposed to happen. I remember when, one time we were texting and i wanted to call you “babe” or “baby” and i wanted to make sure it wasnt awkward for you or anything so i wanted to ask you if it was okay with you to call you that, and you said “Well my brother calls me baby sometimes, and since youre my brother, i guess you can too.” And my face lit up with this big ass smile as i read that text. So we were calling eachother babe thru text and shit, but we couldnt be doing that in public because, people would know we were talking. and you didnt want you’re friends to know. So everytime we suspected someone knew we were talking, we would always yell “THEY’RE ONTO US!’ super loud and crazy. Haha, i LOVED that, we just clicked instantly, and ive never fell for a girl like i did for you, and i knew you fell for me hard too, cos i specifically remember you saying, “Ive never fell for a boy like i fell for you Ryan, its weird, i just let my guard down and fell for you, usually i keep my guard up on boys, but you, i just fell” I can still remember the first time we kissed, it was 2010, at Livermore High School. It was during awards, and we were sitting next to eachother, i took out my phone, made a note on it asking “So how about that kiss?” You deleted that text and put, ” Lets go” So i stood up first and you soon followed, we started walking to i dont even know where, but we walked out the gym, i remember hearing the announcer saying Vallejo beat us. As we were walking out the gym, we werent saying a word to each other, so i said something stupid, “I cant believe vallejo beat us.” You looked at me, smiled, and said,”Its alright they’re not that good anyways.” That WHOLE walk to that one place, it was silent, i was smiling but not letting you see cos i was so embarrassed, and shy i didnt know what the hell to say! But we got to that staircase, and we kissed, i couldnt help but to smile and kiss you again. It was awesome, I’ve never felt so much love in one kiss. But, that moment was ruin by those two ladies that went to their car, so we moved to that dark corner, and you know what happened, not even going to say it. Haha. As we were leaving, i grabbed your hand and we started walking and holding hands. We went to the parking lot only to find out that no one was in the cars and no one was in the gym. So i yelled “Where is everyone!” you didnt know either, it was funny cos the whole time we were gone, your mom was looking for you cos the guard was taking pictures, remember? Lets fast forward to April, NCBA champs, The drumline was about to perform, and you and a couple of guard members were helping the drumline with our equipment. I remember you wearing that tank top that was orange, with zipper on the back, you told me to zip it up -_- not wanting to say no, i did it. The whole time we were waiting to go inside, i would glance at you, you would ALWAYS see me, and when you did, id look away quickly cos i was THAT shy. By the time of the awards, We found out that we both won, you looked for me, i looked for you, we hugged, i smiled, you smiled. We backed off, but still in eachothers arms, you went in for a kiss, and gave you my lips. I was shy, and left. You texted me 10 minutes later saying, “I meant to kiss you on the cheek dork -_-” and you thought your mom saw us, hahaha. The following week was CCGC champs. April 3rd, 2010. That day was great, You guys won, and so did we. The bus ride we were texting eachother the whole way back, and according to you, we would text eachother at the ihops or dennys. I knew i wanted to be your boyfriend, So i sent you a text saying “Sherilyn, meet me in front of the bandroom, its serious.” So you came, and we hugged, i picked you up, and put you down and asked,”Will you be my girlfriend.” You smiled, kissed me, and replied, “Yes” After that i went inside that bandroom and yelled “IM NOT SINGLE!!” Damn, that day was happy. The first time we went on a date was with your parents to bay street emeryville. We watched a movie, and ate. We ate at the public market, And knowing me, i ordered and burger. And what do you still tell me to this day? “You need to expand your horizon, order something else.” Hahaha. I could go on and on with these memories, but i really wanted to write this, cos im sorry about all this shit thats been happening, you said you wanted me to text this to you, but i didnt want to get into an argument, so i wanted to write this, so you’d HAVE to read everything. Im sorry, that ive changed, im sorry that i do these things that you dont want me too, i just always want you to be on my side. You would always tell me, “Im confident that youre the one, and im going to marry you.” I loved that shit. Im gonna miss you forreal. Im gonna miss coming to your house on tuesday like chris says, im gonna miss baby CJ, i wanna see him grow up but i cant, cos this is over like you told me, im just gonna miss alot of things, all these memories and we have together are still strong, even tho you dont wanna talk to me, and i know that, i cant but to talk to you. I always wanna talk to you. Remember when we said “Id rather fight with you, then not talk at all.” I just dont wanna move on and waste all of this, everything that i talked about above, i dont wanna throw it all away, it would be such a waste for me and you to throw this relationship away for all the time and minutes we used to make everything better. That’s why i loved our two year anniversary so much because that WHOLE day, it felt like 2010 again, back when we were young and so in love, i wanna bring that back, and i know we still can if we tried hard enough, but thats where you come in, you dont think we can, you dont think its worth it anymore, and that hurts, but I know you still have one thing that i have too, LOVE. Our love for eachother is so strong, thats why we’ve been able to deal with eachother for so long. You can say you dont love me all you want, but i know deep down YOU still do. Same goes for me, no matter how many times i say it, i know its NOT the truth, id be lying to myself if i said i didnt love you. Maybe you dont, and im just going to have to live with it, writing this whole thing made me realize that, i still need you like i did two years ago, alot of things have changed, but not my feelings for you. They’re still there, they’re still strong. If you wanna work with me, to better this, im down 200%. If you wanna live your life single, ill still be your ride or die. You sherilyn, are my true first love. You taught me so many things thru this relationship. Im pretty sure, ive taught you alot too. If you’re hearts with another boy, just let me know, and ill be okay. Im still here, and you’ll always have a place in my heart. you’ll always be my first love, and nothing will change that. And dont think im never thinking about you, i always am 24/7. writing this whole thing seriously made me cry, so im gonna go now. Let me know when you see this. i’ll miss you triscuit.
Love, Ryan Romabiles Munar.